My Life as a Machine: Super-Perceptions

Machine or not, having dreams that tell the near future and having thoughts that come true start to take its toll on me. Maybe that’s why I’m a bit broken, right?

Since I was 11, I would have these amazing dreams, where its vivid scenarios would become reality in front of my eyes. It first started as what I thought to be coincidence. I would have a dream about a cartoon I loved, all of its characters running the course of the writer’s plot in high definition, and a month later, the exact scene would be an excerpt in reality. The cartoon would come to life with something I dreamed about.

Even small thoughts in my head would reflect a moment in future. I knew every episode of a television show I avidly watched, and when I thought, “I think this episode will come on today”, I predicted the episode correct. Lo and behold, the episode would air, and I wondered how the hell did I know that. We didn’t have TV guide or anything. Internet was still in its preliminary stages.

The amount of premonitions lessened as I got older, but there was something about having such an involuntary ability that irked me. Where did it come from? Was I going insane? What was wrong with me?

This super-perception didn’t just stay within the limits of my dreams nor thoughts. My ninth grade teacher thought it completely necessary to organize different types of psychology and perceptual tests for class, giving in to testing “ESP”. I didn’t really think much of it. I partnered up with a friend and received a deck of cards.

“Your partner will pick out a card and hold it out, but only your partner knows what the card says. You just guess the color of the card. Is it red or black?”

I waited for my partner to pick a card and hold it up. A picture seemed to enter my mind, and I began to rattle off the color of the cards. Once we did ten trials, she set down the deck and pursed her lips together, thinking, staring at me.

“If you get more than 50% right, move on to guessing the suit. Is it diamonds, cloves, spades, or hearts?” My teacher went back to talking to another teacher as the class continued with the task.

My friend held up a card, but the expression on her face was one of concentration. She peered past the card at me with her green eyes. I looked away, another image of the card coming into my head. I only concentrated on the suit and I reluctantly told her my guess. Slowly, as we worked through another ten trials, I could see the excitement run across her guise. Ironically, she was more excited than I. On my end, I was merely confused.

She leaned forward and whispered, like unburdening a secret, “Hey, let’s try to see if you can get the face right,” she challenged, her green eyes imploring me to attempt. “Let’s see if you can get what’s on the card.”

The look in her eyes, like she discovered something fascinating worth probing, made me scared. Was I a freak because I could guess cards accurately? I mean, I wasn’t a card counter or anything! What was the deal? I started rattling off the cards that came into my mind, and after the third card, my teacher stopped the class to begin his lecture.

I felt grateful at that moment. If I really could pass all of the “ESP” tests, did that mean I had ESP? I was so confused, I didn’t remember anything that came out of the teacher’s mouth. When the bell rang and we all filed out of the classroom, my friend came to whisper to me again.

“We’ll try that last test tomorrow morning,” she stated, refusing any “no” answers. Her eyes were still afire with the excitement I saw earlier. It frightened me, really. So the next morning, before school, she presented the cards to me, and I started to guess each card wrong on purpose, though, I knew almost all of the cards I attempted. She pursed her lips again and shook her head, disappointed.

I didn’t want to become an even bigger outcast than I already was at that time. I sabotaged the test just to get her off my back. Just the sheer joy of finding out a secret of mine was a fear I couldn’t have running around. I left any talk of having ESP with the deck of cards she never played with.

Although I wasn’t a card counter, I was great at guessing cards. It made me one tough challenger to an enthusiastic card player. I developed a reputation in college for winning card challenges.

But, once again, I wasn’t surprised when the abilities continued to evolve. My premonitions were only active when I was highly stressed. My dreams, however, began to warp into different stages of consciousness.

Sometimes, they were so acute, so vivid, I would become disoriented when I awoke. Some nights, I was another person, but every dream ended similarly. I dreamed, and the person who I was formerly, would look straight at me and tell me something. I couldn’t always understand their sentences, but somehow, I held a comprehension that I never knew existed.

And then, in my conscious moments, I felt surrounded by things, tendrils of people who once existed on the planet, and scary things. When I was dating my ex-fiance, there was this warm spirit that followed me everywhere. I even dreamed what she would look like, and in first seeing a picture of her, my ex told me sadly, “That’s my grandmother.”

I merely stared at the picture, which intrigued him. “She’s the one who’s been following me around,” I murmured, uncertain of how he would take it. Sure enough, he was a bit taken aback, watching me. “She has a warmth like yours, but different. More motherly.” Although he never understood this quality I had, he accepted the fact that his grandmother was watching over us. After all, my ex was his grandmother’s favorite grandchild.

I started to fight the feeling of ghosts and spirits and things around me. It was exhausting to wake up from a dream about someone else’s life, them pulling me into a sea of another reality. And when I slumped around college, I could feel the tug of other people’s problems just a little distance from seeing them. It seemed that I could sense some type of trauma or sorrow from others in spite of their smiling faces and outgoing personalities. I suddenly understood how keeping such a sixth sense would drive me mad.

It wasn’t until after things went downhill with my ex-fiance that I began an inward transformation. I was engrossed in my own problems, my own self to even think about my dreams, my premonitions, the heavy pasts of others and playing cards. Slowly, the things I felt and saw didn’t make me jump or hide. Instead, I started to blossom and see things for how they were–see things at face value.

And then, poof! It all mostly disappeared. I could still read cards in my mind, but it wasn’t the same as knowing things and having a third eye. Whenever the pasts piled up on a person I hardly knew, I told myself not to go there, thus, saving my sanity.

I believe the last evolution of this perception finally came to its permanency. I only have vivid premonitions and seer-like thoughts when I am stressed. Once I fix whatever screw is loose inside of me, the premonitions stop. I don’t rely on it, and ironically, I don’t believe in my dreams anymore. It’s only when whatever I dream or think becomes reality, I start to look inward for why.

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