My Life as a Machine: Dream to Cope

I’ve always thought of myself different–hence the reason why I am a machine–but I never knew the extent to which my thoughts weren’t parallel to those around me, to people in general. When people deal with heavy issues, there’s the same reaction and similar coping.

For me, I didn’t realize I was coping, or moreso, trying to cope. For some reason, I packed all of the issues under my skull until something imploded somewhere in my life or brain. The bad part of it all was that I never realized I held it in my mind or in my heart like a horrible cancer until it grew to becoming problematic.

I didn’t know the plights in my life were there. I simply lived my life, watching people deal with their problems, like I was immune to the same problems. Ironically, even I as a machine rust underneath the pressures of life’s issues.

Although I don’t believe in my dreams as a medium for the future, I observe my dreams with curiosity. I know when I am holding some type of inner conflict or question by what’s in my dreams. If I have premonitions through dreaming, I know I’m going through something I need to address. If I dream about driving cars, I worry about where my life is heading, what direction I’m going. If I dream about fighting, specifically fighting to the death, there’s some issue really eating me inside. It’s not necessarily the dream itself that sets me up to realize my inner turmoil. Usually, the signs in my dreams and the recurring symbols and actions throw a bucket of cold water into my face. I awake, reviewing anything that may cause my conscious doubts and conflicts to cross over into my sleep.

I suppose I should be more appreciative that I deal with my problems in this manner. After all, I don’t need to cry or whine over my problems. I don’t need to ask other people to help me analyze my questions. I simply address it myself until I feel I’ve resolved the problem. Maybe it’s not really coping, maybe it is. I don’t know. I just know it’s not the “normal” way of dealing with the tough spots in life.

I laugh silently at how my brain works so differently. I’m content in knowing this system now. I used to be so vexed when it came down to my dreams and deciphering them. I feared my dreams then, when I was younger, but now, I can only embrace them. In a way, since I’m a machine, God has given me a special way of targeting the issue and dealing with it in a straightforward and somewhat boring manner. Still, I learn much from myself just by dreaming.

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