My Life as a Machine: Resolution of the Wild Sheep Chase

One thing that I love about Haruki Murakami’s writing style is his overall voice. He writes simplistically but with a conviction that allows no room for change. I want to say, “Hey, you can improve,” but that would be telling the wall that it could stand stronger; it’s just the way things are.

I hoped to achieve something by this point. I have the skills, but yet, I fall into a Kenzaburo Oe pinch. The world seems so distant and my fear of failure looms within my shadow.

It was Victoria who gave me hope of finding my own conviction–a Murakami resolve, as I call it–and she merely spoke to me with an awe-struck manner. “You have so much talent,” she said, smiling. “I see how you lead and you’re more competent than some people who have been managers for years here.” Victoria’s eyes gazed into me unwaivering. “You know how people have old souls? Well, you have an old soul. You’re wise beyond your years, beyond some people that are twice your age.”

I know, I know, was all I could muster. I wanted to beam with pride; instead, my eyes lowered to the ground before flickering up to meet Victoria’s eyes. Personally, I love compliments, but I don’t like reacting to them. Most of the times, the compliment is something I know already, yet, I hear them almost like they are new. Maybe I should believe in such words with the resolution.

I’m always distancing myself from other people to avoid feeling their own unfulfilled desires. Yes, I can feel their wants, like an aura emanating from the dunes in their bodies, but I have always ignored other people. Since I could remember, I dodged people.

Once upon a time, I became dependent on my dreams and others to define it for me. (Just because I avoid people does not mean I don’t listen to them.) This unbearable need became remarkingly vivid and real when I said I needed a resolution.

I suppose this slump now is only a way of embracing my Oe conviction, my Murakami resolution.

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