My Life as a Machine: Criminal Minds

Am I a criminal mind? Every time I watch TV shows–Law & Order, CSI, Criminal Minds, Castle–I always know who the villain is. Is there something wrong with that picture? At one point, I wanted to be a private eye…not a detective or investigator, but a private eye. It was because I could see through cases and put the puzzle together. Who did it? I knew.

My question is: who’s side am I on?

I never tortured animals when I was growing up. I loved them. I wanted to help them, to heal them. Even when my cats scratched up the crap out of my hands, I numbed my body to bites and scratches from animals. Nor did I mistreat people or machines. Some were as dumb as animals, but I didn’t lash out at them because they were stupid. I always regretted doing any harm to anyone. I guess that’s what makes the difference: I have remorse. So I know I’m no psychopath.

But I can feel the tip of darkness inside of me. When I see something haunting, I blockade any feelings from penetrating my brain. Instead, my brain goes into a logical mode, refusing to acknowledge how horrendous crimes really are. I don’t feel sympathy for anyone, no matter who they are, so I can sleep at night.

I can gauge another person’s reactions and thoughts, and I change myself to respond to others. I think that’s more of being a minority than being a crazed killer, but it still irks me. Why can I tell what kind of person someone is? I did this at work. I did this in friendships. I knew if the person was someone not to trust. If I got a bad feeling, I dodged them. One thing I know about the criminal mind is predicting how people are. That’s why psychopaths are so charming. They know not to look like killers. But I don’t seek absolute control nor lashing out at anyone. Another difference.

Still, sometimes knowing the criminal mind makes me wonder if I’m not one myself.

 

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